In Malaysia, we all know that homosexuality or LGBTQ+ related topics are taboo and is not openly talked about. Homosexuality is against the law in Malaysia and those who break this law are heavily punished. Syariah Laws (Islamic law) are one of the many laws in Malaysia that discriminate against the LGBTQ+ community which heavily punishes consensual same-sex relations as well as gender non-conformity.
These kinds of laws, the way the LGBTQ+ community is portrayed in the media and the fact that the topic of homosexuality is taboo in society are some of the reasons why Malaysians discriminate against them. Children are educated and taught from a young age that being anything other than heterosexual is wrong and a sin and people like that should be punished.
This ideology has forced many Malaysians to live in the closet and hide their sexuality from their loved ones. They are not free to live or love as many heterosexuals do. But what's really concerning is that this ideology is the reason why many opt to be in relationships or marriages of convenience with partners they're not sexually attracted to. The sad part is that in the majority of cases, their partners are unaware of their hidden sexuality. They're basically living a lie.
This whole situation is unfair to both partners. One partner is not allowed to be who they truly are while the other is living in a lie with the person they love. In some cases, the relationship starts to face issues when the straight partner starts to suspect that something's amiss and that their whole relationship is one big cover-up.
We completely understand your feelings if you're feeling betrayed or hurt. But here's what you should also remember if you start to suspect that your partner might be gay:
#1 Remember that you do not have the freedom to determine someone's sexual orientation
While you might be going through a hard time figuring things out on your own, always remember that you aren't the other person and can't speak on their behalf.
The only person you can do that for is yourself. So, have your own back and know what you have to do to protect yourself emotionally and mentally. There's no definitive answer you can give to the question "Is my partner gay?", only they can answer that for themselves.
Take a step back and remember that your partner is their own person, with their own struggles, fears, emotions and opinions.
#2 Give your partner and yourself some space
In the heat of the moment when all your emotions are piled upon you, you can say or do things that could hurt not only your partner but also yourself. So, take a moment for yourself before you act.
Instead of jumping to conclusions or blaming yourself or anyone else, take some time to properly look at your emotions, analyze how and why you feel the way you do and clear your headspace. Remember that you went into the relationship because of love and the reason why you are so worried is that you genuinely love the other person and you don't want to lose that.
Make sure that anything you want to express to your partner comes from a place of love and care that you have for them.
#3 DON'T seek reassurance
When you start suspecting that your partner is not straight, you'll start trying to find clues or signs that could prove to you that they are gay or that they are straight. These clues and signs start becoming a way for you to assure yourself and get rid of the anxiety which soon could make you dependent on it.
You'll start using this strategy as a way of finding comfort or a way of coping with your anxieties about anything that happens in your relationship, which is very unhealthy. So, avoid Googling "Signs that my partner is gay"!
#4 Address the problems you have in your relationship as opposed to your assumption that your partner is gay
Using the gay card as a way for you to give an excuse for your or your partner's behaviour, is also unhealthy. Maybe you noticed that your sex life with a said partner is almost non-existent. Instead of assuming it is because your partner is gay, maybe look at other factors that could have caused it to happen.
While you might be going through a lot, remember that the "gay' label tends to cloud your ability to look at your partner as an individual with flaws just like you.
At the end of the day, what's most important is your behaviour towards each other. If you have problems with the way your partner treats you, then that is what should be addressed.
#5 Try going for couples counselling
While you might think that the only way to resolve all your issues is straight-up confronting your partner with the question "Are you gay?", it actually isn't. Confronting them could lead to them confiding in you or it could also end up producing intense feelings from both of you that could damage your relationship beyond repair.
Instead of that nuclear option, try opting for couples counselling where you can get professional guidance on how to resolve your issues without negatively impacting yourself and your partner's emotional and mental health.
#6 Try and be supportive
Through everything that's going on, it is important to remember to be as supportive as possible. Put yourself in your partner's shoes and imagine what it would be like going through an internal battle without any support from your loved ones.
So remember that the main thing your partner needs from you at the moment is your support. Show them that throughout anything you will be there for them and you will do whatever you can to help them get through any difficult situation.
#7 Above all things remember to BE KIND
Always remind yourself of the love you have for the other person, and the love that the other person has for you. Whether they are gay or not, they decided to be with you and go through life with you. They chose you and the reason behind that is because they love you for the amazing and beautiful person you truly are.
